existentialism

Since I have no fanbase, I can get serious and existential anytime I want

When measured out, 70 years, is not that long really, If you stretch it out as all the life you will ever have, if your average. So what makes the people at the very end content with their lives? Is it possible that they have discovered something that others, or they have experienced more, and thus have had their fill? Is it however a chemical in their brain that reacts to the incredible fear that people have when they finally realize they are gonna die? That theory does not however correlate to people in a battle that also realize they're gonna die. As many have described to me they start to yell and scream like crazy. Maybe they have a small belief they might make it, so they don't get the chemical rushed to their brain. Very few know what the brain experiences when they understand they're gonna die, and can still explain the experience. In fact, I have never heard a story ever that involves a terminally ill person that freaks out for a long period of time. This would also follow the several levels of understanding death, the final stage being utter acceptance. But on the subject of happiness, does one really get several levels of happiness over time. Do you particularly become happier by working hard for a while and then being happy at first for a while and then being filled with regret? Why Perhaps you get a type of happy from the expectation of being happy while your working hard, and that's why we endeavor to work. That sounds like that the only reason then that we are proggresive is that we have tricked ourselves, because in reality, we would have been just as happy if we were slacking around, and it looks like the slackers are the unhappy ones because they are unhappy now. But I must find something good in working hard now or I will have no reason to do so. But maybe that is where the answer is found. Why would I want to work hard now tto be happy later, if not for a reason. It surely isn't t0 progress society, I draw things. That is hardly proggressive. Maybe I a just afraid of the shame of my parents. I hope I am driven by more things then just fear. But that would explain many things. That would explain why I can not aproach women even when they hand me the opportunity to take them out for some sweet loving. I am filled with fear. I can speak of my fear in articulate manners that would shame other "writers" of the same age, but all it is is just bullshit. I cannot free myself from fear. What is worse is that I think it is because I am afraid to try. Irony finds many forms. She even says, "when does "movie title" come out?" I say "such and such date," at which she replies " Oh I want to go see that movie," and I say "Man, me too." There is a silence, then I get up and calmly walk to the bathroom stall and wait till the person in the other stall has left, at which I punch the wall and yell at myself for five minutes. Then I calmy walk back out and sit down next to her again. I don't deserve my balls. It's funny because my existential rant turned into a rant about me aqnd the ladies. How very emo.
I truly hope that I can make this site worth it for people to come, I do not know how that will happen. I guess i should start to show up on forums with my website on my tag. At that point, it is just up to me to say something worthwhile on the forums for people to be all like " oh wow, he"s badass, I should pay that site a visit." Then I'll be a big internet celebrities, and the ladies will be all upons.
I shall probably start upfating here again soon, and when I do, it will be much more autobiographical. I just need to sit down and do it. maybe when I have caught up on al my journal comics, I should scan them in from the beggining and redo them on the computer, then build up my archive. That would be the shit. Because that's what I really what I need. You can't get anything done without a sizeable archive. But I wonder how the other guys are able to get it done. Maybe they have more time because they don't have a journal comic. i tried doing a juornal comic on the computer, but they turn out worse when I do them throguh the tablet straight. I either need to fin the cord for my scanner or get a new one. But then will I get upset with the second step? I kind of like the one step that I've been doing. Draw it then go to sleep, but even that has not been serving me well. I am real far behind. Damn it, why am I ranting here when I should be working on it?
-these are the thing I think about when I try to sleep